


true trans soul rebel

by DonutDemon30



Series: transgender dysphoria blues [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Coming Out, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Pearl, Transphobia, mtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 23:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9852635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonutDemon30/pseuds/DonutDemon30
Summary: “What, Paul? Are you going to pretend to be a girl now? Are you doing this for the attention? Don’t we give you enough already? We put you in honors classes, you’ve won medals! You’re the oldest, you can’t do this to your brother! You can’t do this to your father, you can’t do this to me!” Her mother is crying. She’s crying. She can’t breathe.Pearl comes to terms with being transgender.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Paul is Pearls dead/birth name. I call her she/her throughout this just for the sake that she knows she's trans and it just feels better.
> 
> if you're a transphobic assbag leave rn

“We need to talk.”

A simple text from her mom. It should be innocent. It could be about anything. But if it was just about anything, she would state it. And that’s why she’s worried. It could be about anything. Her grades, her church, what they should have for dinner. Or it could be about the thing. No, there’s no way she could know about it. She hasn’t told a soul, she hasn’t even said it out loud. So no, it shouldn’t be about it. It’s about something else. It’s about something else.

She walks into her house and shuts the door as quietly as possible, hoping she can just slip away to her room to calm down before her mom talks to her. But her mom is waiting in the living room. 

She stands up, “Paul, come sit.”

/Paul. That’s you./ She forces herself to think before sitting down on the opposite couch as her mom. “Yes?” 

“So, I was going through your phone history, as I am obligated to do since I am your mother, and I came across something rather strange.”

“What?” Her voice is dry. She needs a drink.

“I’m not sure what Tumblr is but on it I have found you searching about transsexuals. Care to explain?”

Paul can feel her heart sink. She opens her mouth to talk but it’s too dry and she chokes. She coughs a few times and finds moisture finally. “I-I was simply curious. It is a rather fascinating subject.”

“Is it? Could you also tell me what tucking is and why it’s so fascinating as well?” Her mother stares at her and it feels like needles stabbing her skin over and over again. “Or how about transsexual resource centers in Empire City?”

Tears prick at the edges of her eyes. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. The longer she doesn’t answer the more painfully aware she becomes that this is reality. “Mom I-”

“What, Paul? Are you going to pretend to be a girl now? Are you doing this for the attention? Don’t we give you enough already? We put you in honors classes, you’ve won medals! You’re the oldest, you can’t do this to your brother! You can’t do this to your father, you can’t do this to me!” Her mother is crying. She’s crying. She can’t breathe. 

Then she can. She’s suffocatingly hot and she opens her eyes. She’s in her room. It was just a dream. She sits up and kicks off the blankets. But that doesn’t work so she just takes off her shirt. Her hands run through her hair and then down to her flat chest. Tears leak down her face remembering the dream all over again. She’s not a she. She’s him, she’s Paul. He’s Paul. That word feels like poison right now. /Him, he/ /I’m not him. I’m her. I’m her./ She puts her shirt back on, hating being exposed all of a sudden.

“I can’t do this.”

 

-

 

“I can tell you anything right?” Paul asks Garnet. They’re sitting in the library, Paul purposely chose a table in a secluded corner.

Garnet sets down her bag and gets out her laptop. “Of course.”

Paul plays with her hands under the table. They’re sweaty so she wipes them on her pants. “Well. I have something kind of heavy. And I kind of really need to tell someone because this is eating me alive and I can’t eat and I can’t sleep and-”

Garnet grabs her hand. “Paul. You can tell me anything. No judging. No telling anyone else. I’m here.”

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “I’m transgender.” She says it fast and quietly.

“You’re transgender?”

Paul bursts into tears and nods. “I’m sorry if you hate me now I just can’t live like this anymore and I know my parents won’t accept me and I know I’ll get kicked out if they find out somehow and I just can’t deal with this by myself. I’m sorry for dumping this on you that, was really wrong of me. I should just go, I’m sorry.” 

She gets up to leave but is immediately pulled back down by Garnet.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone. Just breathe, okay?” Garnet squeezes her hand and starts breathing with her. Once her breath slows and she calms down Garnet gives her a smile. “I got you. So do you want me to call you something else?”

She thinks for a second. She did have one name in mind. “Maybe Pearl? Does that suit me? I’m not even sure. It sounds okay in my head though.”

“Pearl. Yeah, I think that sounds good on you.”

She smiles. It feels like a weight has been lifted. Then suddenly it comes crashing down again. “But don’t call me it in public or infront of anyone please. I can’t have anyone finding out.” Panic sets in again. “What if someone heard me?”

“No one heard you but me. I won’t call you it unless we’re in private, okay?”

“Okay. Okay.” She takes a deep breath. This is okay. It’s okay. Closing her eyes she tries to convince herself it’s okay.

“You can use my laptop to look anything up. I know your parents check your history.”

“Really?” Pearl looks up, teary eyed. 

“Of course. Unless I need it then you’ll have to wait but other than that, yeah.”

Pearl hugs Garnet. “Thank you so much.” Then the tears are back full force.

Garnet holds her for a bit longer. “It’s gonna be okay.” She pulls back to look at her. “If anything happens with your family, you can stay with me. I know my moms will be okay with it.”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about them.” She says honestly.

“That is of course, you’re okay with me telling them if worst comes to worst.”

“Maybe. If it comes down to it, then definitely. But right now. I don’t want anyone else knowing.”

“Alright.” Garnet sits back.

/Alright./

/It’s okay./

**Author's Note:**

> i might actually add more to this this time


End file.
